Thursday, August 14, 2008

How Do I Find The Words

My sister's memorial is Saturday and I'm still struggling to find the words for her tribute.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

HOSPICE CAREGIVING AND DYING AT HOME

I share this experience in hope should you stumble on my blog it can be help to you and your loved one.

Brenda was a CNA and licensed Home Health Care worker. She was a paid employee to help with hospice patients dying at home. When we started hospice she told me "I should know how to do this". I told her no one could possibly know "how to do this".

The caregiver will be unique individuals with personal strength and weakness. The dying are individuals with personal strength and weakness also. What I'm trying to say is your experience, my experience, and circumstances will be different.

I see only three reasons to sign up for hospice and die at home. There may be more reasons. Remember, please, this is our experience I'm sharing.
  1. Love
  2. Emotion
  3. Finances
Brenda and I signed up for hospice because of love and emotion. I cannot say this was right or wrong but I can say because of these reasons I was blind, or better said unaware of what was to come.

I was 17 yrs old when our Mom passed in a hospital while I held her hand. I was 42 yrs old when our Dad passed in a hospital while I held his hand. I really thought at 55 yrs old and these two experiences I was prepared for my final loss. I was wrong! Very wrong!

I'm not finished....I question if I'll ever finish blogging about this. There is so much for me to process as our journey began and ended.

Monday, August 11, 2008

SHE'S HOME WITH THE GENEROSITY FROM STRANGERS

Sat 10/09/08 10:50am The funeral director brought my sister's remains to me. Many many many thoughtful and caring people have helped pay for her cremation and I was able to buy an urn and three keepsake urns that match. One for each of her boys and one for Darrin.

I had no idea how I was going to pay for all this. I opened my email the other day and donations poured in from all across the US and Canada. I cried because these generous people answered my sisters prayer.

I was not at all pleased with the thought of Brenda's remains being delivered in a cardboard box. I was horrified to say the least and they would hold her remains until the cremation was paid for. Hundreds of people I don't know so generously gave and the nightmare of that cardboard box never became reality. How can I thank them properly? I have spent hours sending thank yous to their email addresses...but it seems so impersonal and no way for me to get addresses. But I thanked each and everyone of them.

Call me crazy...but that death smell left the room too. I feel more at ease. Her remains are sitting across the room covered in a bag of some sort they gave me and I'm relieved. FINALLY.

It is Permanent. It is Real. It is Closure.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Pain Denial Anger and Depression

I feel like I cannot pull the towel out of my ass to throw it in!!!!!

Oh how it hurts. I just know Brenda is going to call me...knock on my door for a visit. I just know this isn't real. It can't be.

Is it my imagination....I enter the room she made her transition in and I smell death. It won't go away. Is it there or is it imagined...perhaps a little of both? I don't know.

Just about the time I think it's over another piece of mail arrives reminding me there is still unfinished business to conduct on her behalf. Another phone call requires my attention to finish this up.

This has some how transformed to "BUSINESS". I cannot seem to get away, there is no where to run, and I cannot hide from it.

Anger Madness Or Just Plain MAYHEM

Don't misunderstand me...I've been given a lot of blessings and unexpected gifts..but at this moment it's how I feel.

When a funeral is held it becomes a "RUSH" to the grave. Your loved one is here then poof your loved one is gone....six feet under and done. The process of grieving begins immediately and life resumes.

Brenda wanted cremated. Let's look at this. She died July 31 it is now August 8th. They called August 7th and said she would be delivered to me Saturday August 9th. Her memorial will be August 16th.

Now what is it about our culture that we cannot escape from being trapped in this frame of time? You know, the one from death to dirt? I'm caught in this time warp of madness...I can't go backward and I can't go forward. Why is it that a funeral or memorial service releases the living from this frozen span of time?

It's crazy. Just crazy. Caught in a cultural time span? Caught in a natural time span? Is it self imposed? Politically correct? Whatever it is.....

I WANT OUT

Crazy...it's just crazy

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

MEMORIES OF TWO SISTERS the songs

Seen through the eyes of a big sister. I love my sister.
This video plays two songs and ends with some words.

I deleted this video

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR MY SISTER

Brenda Carol Dobbs (Robinson) memorial service will be held August 16, 2008 1pm CDT at the Rock Island Church 101 E Main Herington KS 67449

Monday, August 4, 2008

THE GIFT OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Unconditional love...a small phase. Do we acutally "know" what it is?

Think about it for a second...ponder your ideas on this tiny phrase...then read on and find out how incorrect you and I have been.

We say our dogs have unconditional love...that is false. Leave them without food, water, shelter, and love and see how long they stick around. Our animals have conditions attached with their love.

We say we love our children with unconditional love...that is false. There are conditions expected by a parent toward our children. Examples; behavior, manners, school grades, respect...the list goes on and on. This is not unconditional love.

We say we love our spouses with unconditional love...this is again false. Conditions apply here too....respect, no abuse...again the list is endless. This is not unconditional love.

I have been given the gift of unconditional love. This is one of the many blessings and gifts I have received helping Brenda with her transition to the other side.

There where no more conditions between two sisters. All the nonsense of conditions dissipated over the weeks and days. Conditions no longer existed in our relationship, in the end it was pure love without conditions.

Thank you Brenda for this one of a kind special gift that two sisters shared. I will always and forever love you.

Friday, August 1, 2008

My Sister Has Made Her Transition

Brenda left this world July 31, 2008 4:25pm CDT

I still have more to say and will keep blogging. I just don't have it in me at the moment