Brenda no longer has earthly conversations. She still recognizes me and says thank you when I give her a drink or tidy her bedding.
I do know she is conversing on the other side. I sit and watch her lay with eyes open staring aimlessly into the abyss. She giggles and I know it is going to be a glorious transition. Sometimes she moans but she is with out pain.
She constantly makes hand movements as tho she is drinking. She has smoked for years and she sometimes makes smoking movements. She sees things that aren't there..grabbing into the air as if catching a tiny fairy or perhaps an angel extending a hand.
They put a catheter in her yesterday in hopes she stay in bed.....but no.....she still struggles her weakened body up and sits on the commode. She mumbles to some one or something then she will look up and say "ok I'm done". These commode conversations must be entertaining to her as she smiles during them.
She has not eaten for 4 days now. She is taking little fluids, swallowing is becoming difficult, she is becoming more dehydrated.
When Richard was ministering to her Sunday he asked her if she wanted anything. She replied yes, a prayer for my sister. He shared this with me tonight and I'm still crying. This is an over whelming blessing my sister gave me.
My daughter n law is now staying with me and we are sharing shifts caring for Brenda around the clock. Brenda's wish is to die at home and I am seeing to that.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Christian Do Gooders
Why is it that when one learns of imminent death, by the way I prefer it said as transition, that all Christians collectively want to send some one to save that person?
How haughty and presumptuous of them. What makes them automatically think that person hasn't already been saved? How dare they send immediate negativity in our direction.
What happened to Christian love? ministry? mercy, spirituality? Where did it go?
I am pondering this phenomenon.
How haughty and presumptuous of them. What makes them automatically think that person hasn't already been saved? How dare they send immediate negativity in our direction.
What happened to Christian love? ministry? mercy, spirituality? Where did it go?
I am pondering this phenomenon.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Disorientation Hallucinations with End Stage Liver Desease
Brenda has stopped eating food. A different kind of energy is needed now. A spiritual energy, not a physical one, will sustain her from here on.
She is sleeping most of the time now with her eyes open. She can be awakened from this sleep, but there is literally one foot in each world now.
She is confused, there is aimlessness to all physical activity, and focus is changing from this world to the next, she is losing her grounding to earth.
Words seem to be a connection with the physical life that is being left behind. Words have lost their importance; touch and wordlessness have taken on more meaning.
Brenda is making the transition to the other side as comfortable as can be expected. More so than I ever imagined possible.
I have been given the most awesome gift a person has to give. Brenda handed her dieing to me, her trust, and her love to care for to the end. She knows I'll be there insuring her last wishes are full filled.
To my surprise she asked for a pen and paper last week. She wrote "I Can Only Imagine" Mercy Me.
Today I downloaded that song and few more by that group. When I heard the song the flood gate of tears burst forth from me. I know this song is ministering her.
She can no longer be left unattended with her confusion. She fell today and I had only left the room for just a second. I will make a cot in there tonight and sleep along side of her to protect her from herself.
Thank you for your comments....it helps me
She is sleeping most of the time now with her eyes open. She can be awakened from this sleep, but there is literally one foot in each world now.
She is confused, there is aimlessness to all physical activity, and focus is changing from this world to the next, she is losing her grounding to earth.
Words seem to be a connection with the physical life that is being left behind. Words have lost their importance; touch and wordlessness have taken on more meaning.
Brenda is making the transition to the other side as comfortable as can be expected. More so than I ever imagined possible.
I have been given the most awesome gift a person has to give. Brenda handed her dieing to me, her trust, and her love to care for to the end. She knows I'll be there insuring her last wishes are full filled.
To my surprise she asked for a pen and paper last week. She wrote "I Can Only Imagine" Mercy Me.
Today I downloaded that song and few more by that group. When I heard the song the flood gate of tears burst forth from me. I know this song is ministering her.
She can no longer be left unattended with her confusion. She fell today and I had only left the room for just a second. I will make a cot in there tonight and sleep along side of her to protect her from herself.
Thank you for your comments....it helps me
Monday, July 21, 2008
HUMOR
Well I just gave her some more of that nasty "make her poop med" at 3 30pm. I have to do this every hour until she poops.
But I just have to make note of the humor so it will be here when I need to reflect.
She had the heating pad control in her hand trying raise her bed up. I told her that and she smiled and said....get these toys out of here they don't play fair....and we laughed.
I hope when my time comes I can die with half the grace Brenda is showing. She is a true lady in the end.
I hope when she poops she gets her mind back.
Did I mention I love my sister?
But I just have to make note of the humor so it will be here when I need to reflect.
She had the heating pad control in her hand trying raise her bed up. I told her that and she smiled and said....get these toys out of here they don't play fair....and we laughed.
I hope when my time comes I can die with half the grace Brenda is showing. She is a true lady in the end.
I hope when she poops she gets her mind back.
Did I mention I love my sister?
How Often Will I Post?
AS OFTEN AS IT TAKES. AS OFTEN AS I PLEASE. AS OFTEN AS MY MIND IS CLUTTERED AND MY HEART IS HEAVY.
I DO IT JUST TO VENT, TO SHAKE THIS MORBID JOKE GOD HAS PLAYED ON US, UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME, AS MUCH AS I LIKE.....THIS IS MY WORLD AND IT'S HERE FOR MY ANGER.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ IT....BUT I HAVE TO LIVE IT.
SHE IS ONLY 51
I DO IT JUST TO VENT, TO SHAKE THIS MORBID JOKE GOD HAS PLAYED ON US, UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME, AS MUCH AS I LIKE.....THIS IS MY WORLD AND IT'S HERE FOR MY ANGER.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ IT....BUT I HAVE TO LIVE IT.
SHE IS ONLY 51
On to the bitching
Thank you Nan. Misery loves company and I need it.
I think to myself "If I'm feeling alone...hers has to be greater".
Over this weekend Brenda has started her transition to the other side. I asked her Sunday if she was giving up. She responded "I don't know". I told her God was not going to make her suffer much longer. It's evident.
The ammonia has backed up and her confusion is to the point of dementia. I have to give her this new med every hour until she starts pooping. The liver moves ammonia from our body and hers cannot do it so the only way is through her bowels.
The hospice nurse has brought me diapers for my sister and I've tried to tell her she will most likely crap herself. Don't worry Brenda I will keep you clean.
Losing my sister is one thing losing her like this is another. WE TREAT OUR ANIMALS BETTER THAN WE TREAT HUMANS.
I think to myself "If I'm feeling alone...hers has to be greater".
Over this weekend Brenda has started her transition to the other side. I asked her Sunday if she was giving up. She responded "I don't know". I told her God was not going to make her suffer much longer. It's evident.
The ammonia has backed up and her confusion is to the point of dementia. I have to give her this new med every hour until she starts pooping. The liver moves ammonia from our body and hers cannot do it so the only way is through her bowels.
The hospice nurse has brought me diapers for my sister and I've tried to tell her she will most likely crap herself. Don't worry Brenda I will keep you clean.
Losing my sister is one thing losing her like this is another. WE TREAT OUR ANIMALS BETTER THAN WE TREAT HUMANS.
Liver Cancer The Battle Begins
Brenda told me 10 years ago she was diagnosed with Hep C. We knew she would eventually require a liver transplant.
She went to the University of Omaha and began the process of transplant a few years after being diagnosed. At that time she was not disabled and had private insurance through the company she worked for. She was on the inferion treatment at a cost of $3500 a week...her company canceled their insurance because of cost and the new insurance company would not cover her....PREVIOUS CONDITION...those words so many Americans dread in this so called healthy and compassionate country.
No insurance to pay for a transplant U of Omaha wanted her to do her own fund raising. What a laugh! Living in a small town in the middle of Kansas...what's a fund raiser? $50.00 $100.00? and believe me that would be a sizable amount. So now what's left?
She eventually moved to Emporia and took a job caring for the dieing. Yep that's right Hospice. She did this for about 7 years. During this time Brenda was finally granted disability. Medicare would now pay for her a liver transplant.
I took her to KU Medical Center on July 7, 2008 to begin the transplant process. On July 9, 2008 I brought her home to die. Her liver has a 4 inch tumor and her cancer markers are in the thousands.
It has been a revolving door with Hospice. They are angels.
She took a day to consider DNR papers. That means DO NOT RESUSCITATE. After a thought she looked at me and said she wanted to sign them....after signing she again looked at me and said "You know this means you cannot call an ambulance" Not a question...it was a fact.
She went to the University of Omaha and began the process of transplant a few years after being diagnosed. At that time she was not disabled and had private insurance through the company she worked for. She was on the inferion treatment at a cost of $3500 a week...her company canceled their insurance because of cost and the new insurance company would not cover her....PREVIOUS CONDITION...those words so many Americans dread in this so called healthy and compassionate country.
No insurance to pay for a transplant U of Omaha wanted her to do her own fund raising. What a laugh! Living in a small town in the middle of Kansas...what's a fund raiser? $50.00 $100.00? and believe me that would be a sizable amount. So now what's left?
She eventually moved to Emporia and took a job caring for the dieing. Yep that's right Hospice. She did this for about 7 years. During this time Brenda was finally granted disability. Medicare would now pay for her a liver transplant.
I took her to KU Medical Center on July 7, 2008 to begin the transplant process. On July 9, 2008 I brought her home to die. Her liver has a 4 inch tumor and her cancer markers are in the thousands.
It has been a revolving door with Hospice. They are angels.
She took a day to consider DNR papers. That means DO NOT RESUSCITATE. After a thought she looked at me and said she wanted to sign them....after signing she again looked at me and said "You know this means you cannot call an ambulance" Not a question...it was a fact.
The Beginning Liver Cancer
For lack of anywhere to vent....I've decided to journal this tragic and sick journey my sister and I are on. Neither of us wanted to take a journey, but here we are.
I don't intend to hold back my feelings. Sugarcoating is not an option now. There will probably be some offensive language and attacks as I blog along....but I just don't know how else to get this out of my system.
So if your faint of heart or offended by curse words...this won't be a blog you want to visit nor do I care to be in the company of weak minded individuals at the moment.
I'm angry to the point of bitter. I'm frustrated to exhaustion. I'm PISSED OFF.
I don't intend to hold back my feelings. Sugarcoating is not an option now. There will probably be some offensive language and attacks as I blog along....but I just don't know how else to get this out of my system.
So if your faint of heart or offended by curse words...this won't be a blog you want to visit nor do I care to be in the company of weak minded individuals at the moment.
I'm angry to the point of bitter. I'm frustrated to exhaustion. I'm PISSED OFF.
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